My Daughter, The Klutz

Picture time at my daughter's preschool is next week.  She gets her picture taken twice a year there; and I, being the awesome mom I am, dutifully buy the packet and distribute to friends and relatives.  Picture time also guarantees that my lovely, klutzy daughter WILL have a spill of some sort.  One where she either gets a bloody knee or a bloody head.

Yes, she is only four.  She's been going to the same preschool since she was about 18 months old.  Those first pictures she took she had a big scrape on her knee from falling outside.  Ok, she wasn't quite the practiced walker then so I have to let that one slide.  But on it went, through her 2's class and the first part of her 3's class.  She had bruises on her knees for every one of those pictures.  Luckily, I found cute outfits that covered (most of) her bruises.

Last April, I started telling her early, "Be careful walking outside because pictures are coming up soon; and you don't want to hurt yourself."  We still had about four days to go with no bruised knees!  I thought maybe this was the year!

Yeah, no.

The weekend before her pictures were taken, we were at a friend's house.  We were hanging outside on their deck and the girls were playing in the yard.  Their daughter is exactly one week older than her; and the two girls are BFFs.  My daughter was being silly and ran up the stairs onto the deck to show us something.  Then she backed up, lost her footing, and toppled down the deck stairs backwards.  She hit her head pretty hard.  I was terrified she had a concussion.  Thankfully, she was okay.  But her eye hit the last wooden stair and was bleeding.  My poor baby.
The next day she had a big scab over her eye, but no black eye (and thankfully nothing actually got IN her eye!)  This was her school picture-my daughter, The Klutz:

Now she's one week away from her next set of pictures.  So what happens?  Yep.  You guessed it.  Last night she went on a walk with her Daddy and our dogs.  Our neighbor's little girl was out riding in her "new" trike.  It was my daughter's; but she was very proud to help me clean it off and give it to the little girl.  My daughter got super excited to see the baby in her old trike.  And started running.  And fell.  And scraped her knee.  Just in time for pictures.

I love that kid.  My daughter, The Klutz.

Talkie Talkerson

The most wonderful time of the year is here!  No, not Christmas, back to school.  My princess is back at her 3-day-a-week preschool where she will hopefully chill out after a brash summer.

No. Such. Luck.

They have a stoplight behavior system at her school.  If she's good, she will get a green sticker.  If she's bad, it's red.  Yellow is for warnings.  At the end of the week, if she gets all green stickers, she gets a small prize.

She hasn't had a green week yet.

Don't get me wrong, she isn't a bad kid.  She's just so damn smart she thinks the rules don't apply to her.  She's been getting into trouble because of her incessant talking.  And talking.  And talking.  My kid talks non-stop from the time she gets up in the morning until she goes to bed.

I went to a strict Catholic school for my elementary years.  I remember those hard ass nuns glaring at me because I wouldn't shut my piehole, either.  So I wonder where she gets it?  The only difference between then and now is those nuns didn't think twice about slapping my hands with a pointer.  That got my attention!  Can you imagine if that happened in a school today?  The teacher would get fired immediately.  And that's sad.

It's part of the reason why I think kids are so entitled these days.  Teachers and caregivers' hands are tied when it comes to doling out punishment.  They're so afraid of lawsuits by those parents who "don't believe in discipline because I want my kid to like me" that they can't even give timeouts any more.  Guess what?  It's not working.

There is a drop off childcare place I sometimes take my daughter that she loves to go to.  One of the first times she was there, I told the employee, "Feel free to give her a timeout if she misbehaves."  The employee's eyes got really big and she said, "We can't do timeouts here because some of the parents will complain."  WHAT??  I would love to meet those parents.  I guess I know why my daughter loves to go there.  No discipline and she can do whatever the fuck she wants thanks to "some parents."

                                                                             Our Future!
                                                                     

Toys "R" Us Rant

The megaland for kids.  The one store they go to and step in and go "Ahhhh."  Used to be a kids dream.  Not anymore, as I'm finding out lately.

WTF happened to ToysRUs?  It used to be the megaland for toys.  Now I go in there crossing my fingers that I can find ANYTHING.  My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake and Lalaloopsy.  Every single time I go there (which isn't a lot anymore) the shelves are empty.  It seriously looks like they're going out of business.  I'm looking for Doc Mcstuffins toys now.  My daughter loves Doc like the sister she hasn't had.  I look on the website.  And just like the Strawberry Shortcake dolls, it says "not in stock for shipping, but available in stores."  Not my fucking store.  I'm lucky if I find ANY Strawberry Shortcake at my store, much less the "hot" toys!

I know the assistant manager at my local ToysRUs.  I worked with him previously in another retail environment.  He says the company is focusing more on the BabiesRUs side of things.  Great.  So there's absolutely no chance of me getting any kind of hot toy unless I trek to that shitty store EVERY fucking day (with no guarantee they ever get any in stock), or pay twice as much on Ebay.  No thanks.

I understand that there's competition in the toy market.  There's Amazon, Target, and Walmart that sell the same toys slightly cheaper (maybe) and actually have them in stock.  Last year I found Lite Sprites, the HOT holiday toy, at Walmart in September.  I never did see them at my local ToysRUs.  A big sale lost to them!  I don't think ToysRUs ever "got" the internet competition.  Maybe they have ancient CEOs who just don't GET the internet.  What they don't understand is that they're losing their "core" customer in this Babies/Toys stores remodel.

Let me explain.  When I was pregnant/just had my daughter, I was a huge fan of BabiesRUs.  I visited frequently.  I was also less internet savvy than I am now.  I can name at least five friends who have recently had babies that use the internet to shop for their baby stuff.  Customers LOST.
Now that my kid is older, I want to visit the ToysRUs side, and it's non-existant.  As I've mentioned before, they never have anything my daughter wants.  The company is focusing on babies, so they lose my business.  Customers LOST.

It seems they adapted to the changes a little too late and will lose the customers they are trying to keep.  Sad.

Asshat Todd Akin

So I just had to rant about this twatwaffle.  Another old man embarrassing the GOP.  This one I think is worse than Limbaugh calling Sandra Fluke a slut because she wanted birth control; or Santorum living in his delusional world.

If you haven't heard, here are his exact words from a tv show:
“From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin said. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Uhhh...what?  How exactly does the female body 'shut that whole thing down' so the woman won't get pregnant during 'legitimate rape?'  Enlighten me, please.  How fucking dumb is this moron?  And this guy's running for Senate?  I would be really embarrassed right now if I lived in Missouri and voted for this douche.  This guy needs a punch in the uterus.

I'm getting sick and fucking tired of crochety old men telling women what we need to do with our bodies.  (I sound like a feminist, but I'm really not.)  Why are we STILL debating abortion?  More importantly why are MEN STILL debating abortion?  They have absolutely fucking nothing to do with this.  When you can get pregnant and give birth to a child, Asshat Akin, or any other man, come talk to me.

Hunger Games, Hunger Games, HUNGER GAMES!

Can you guess what this about?

This morning I rushed out to buy "The Hunger Games" on Blu-ray (I can't even spell it).  I was more inclined to buy the DVD because it was cheaper, but hubby said no.  We bought a Blu-ray player and I have been happily playing DVD's on it.  Like I know the difference of the "quality" of the picture.  Like I care.

So off to Walgreens I went, daughter in tow.  We went in and looked around for a display.  I thought there would be one because it was such a huge release.  No.  The employees were having their morning meeting, or as I used to like to call them "punch me in my uterus motivational sessions."  No good ever comes of these meetings.  They are created by corporate types who read books telling them to have the meetings to boost morale.  They are, in fact, a huge waste of time.  If you're a good manager, you have excellent communication skills and don't need the damn meetings...

Anyway, I felt bad interrupting (not really) and got the attention of the manager.  I asked if they had the Hunger Games blue-ray.  His exact response was "Ummm, I don't think so.  When does it come out?  It's not out yet."  One of his employees and I said at the same time, "Today."  Great, so the employee know more than her manager-which is usually the case.  Manager-boy had one of his minions go look in the back to see if they got a shipment.  And you know they did;  Walgreens just "forgot" to tell their managers that the hottest movie of the year was being released on DVD that day.  Riiiiigghht.

Here's the best part:  I just happened to have $10 in register rewards from a purchase from the previous week.  The kid found a small box in the back with about 8 total DVDs and Blue-Rays.  He rang it up and it was on sale for $23.99!  I stealthily handed him my $10 coupon and it worked!  I paid $15 for it after tax.  Score!

As I have mentioned before, I read and loved all three books of the trilogy.  I took myself to the movies when the movie first came out.  We NEVER go to the movies, so it was a treat.  I think Katniss is a great example for girls.  Just not young girls-like 13 and under.  Even 12 makes me queasy.  I remember when the movie first came out, I read articles about 10 and 11 year olds standing in line to see it.  What?  Moms, I know you want to empower your little girls; but again this is an example of entitlement parenting.  The parents want to live vicariously through their kids.  The story is a little too violent in my opinion for kids that young.  And you know I have no problem expressing my opinion.

I was literally jumping up and down when it was time for my darling's "rest time."  I couldn't wait to pop that puppy in the player and watch it again!

So, what about you?  Have you seen it yet?

Why I Never Have to Leave My House

So the other day I was playing with my iPhone and went to my bank's mobile app.  I think I was just checking to make sure it still worked or something.  That's when I discovered you can now take pictures of checks and deposit them to your account right from your phone!  I happened to have a couple of rebate checks waiting for me to get off my lazy butt and actually take to the bank, so I thought, "What the hell?"  I took a picture of the front and back of the check and followed the prompts. Are you kidding me?  This really works!

Technology is grand.

Why go to the movies when you can buy one from the comfort of your own living room?  You don't have to pay outrageous ticket fees.  You can have your own snacks instead of paying $25 for a popcorn and candy bar.  Not to mention you can lay on your couch instead of sitting those seats.  And you can talk WHENEVER you want.

Need food?  There's an app for that.  If you hate to cook like me, but don't want to get your lazy ass out to a restaurant, there's a service that will deliver food from your fave restaurant straight to your door.  Disclaimer: this may not be available in all areas-yet.  I saw a commercial for this bad-ass refrigerator and I want it so bad!  It would make me the ultimate lazy.  I could put all of my daughter's things she needs for breakfast in one door, and I wouldn't have to get up and make her breakfast!  I could order one right now and have it delivered without ever leaving home.

I don't have to leave the house to grocery shop, either.  Two stores in my area offer online shopping.  I just pick out what I want, order it, then go pick it up.  Now if only they delivered...
Or I could just go to amazon.com.  They have just about everything anyone could ever want.  And they deliver.  Need snacks for the kids' lunches?  They have them.  Need milk or chicken?  They have those, too.  Need a grommet wrench?  Actually, I did need one and they had it.  My daughter got one of those cute loft beds with the curtains that make a "tent" for her birthday.  Less than 30 days later, three of the strings that attached the front curtain had come off.  After numerous emails to Walmart, I got frustrated and came up with my own solution.  I'm going to put grommets in the top of the curtain where the strings used to be, and hang it with book rings.  That way I don't have to worry about the strings breaking again.  I know, I know.  I'm crafty.  But I haven't done it yet!  Oh, and to be fair, Walmart did offer me a $15 credit.

I still snicker when I see people going to the bank to "do their banking."  Have they never heard of direct deposit, online bill pay, or online banking for that matter?  Now I don't even have to go to the bank to cash a check someone gives me.

When will the liquor stores come up with some new technology to transport me there through my computer so I don't have to leave my house to buy booze?  Food for thought...

How to Raise a Princess

Follow these instructions and you too can have a princess of your own!

In light of my never-ending battle with my own princess; I thought I'd jot down a few tips for all you mothers of little girls out there who want a princess.  Completely satirical, of course.

First things first.  While you are pregnant with your future princess, you must paint her room pink.  What good is having a princess without her own castle?

Next, make sure she spends enough time with Daddy so she can be a "daddy's girl."  Most daddies are suckers and will give their princesses anything to get them to stop crying.  Daddy will be everything Mommy won't be-fun.  If there's no Daddy in your princess's life, find a male friend you trust who is excellent with kids.

This one is important.  Play Disney Princess movies (ie. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast) over and over again in toddlerhood so the princess theme is burned into your princess's brain at a young age.  My princess even has the kiss with the head tilt down pat!  That one should come in handy for making out with boys later on...

Every princess needs clothes that make her look like a princess.  Start stocking up on dress up clothes now.  Those cheaply made princess dresses are fucking expensive.  $20-$30 for one dress and I can put a hole in it with my pinky.  Don't forget all the accoutrements:  purses, jewelry, shoes, and CROWNS.  Don't forget the crown!

Make sure you enroll your little princess in dance class.  This is key to your little one feeling like a princess.  All the ballet moves she'll learn will having her twirling all over the house to "Someday My Prince Will Come."

Next up; spoil, spoil, SPOIL!  If your princess doesn't get what she wants all the time, she can never act like a princess.  You want your princess to scream bloody murder in the store when you tell her she can't have that toy.  Just buy her another, cheaper one to calm her down.  Same goes for bedtime and whining.  Coddle her and put her in bed with you so she'll never sleep in her own bed.  Grandparents are also great to have around for spoiling, so utilize them to your advantage.

Finally, make sure your princess knows she a princess.  Tell her often.  If she knows she's a princess, she will have high expectations.  Carry her everywhere; and never let her feet touch the ground.  This will ensure her head is always in the clouds.