The Queen Bee Has Arrived

Seriously, she's only FOUR?  Is the question I ask frequently with my daughter.  Somehow, my daughter has turned out to be a diva.  If she's NOT an actor when she grows up, I will very surprised.

My daughter is not shy.  At all.  When she was about two, she was afraid of older boys.  She seems to have grown out of that.  I took her out to McDonald's for a Mommy/Daughter Date Night a couple of months ago, and she was playing with a boy who had to be at least seven.  She had no problem telling him that they were going to play hide and seek.  And he had no problem playing-her way.  That boy was whipped!  He did everything she requested.  Christ.

I love taking her to school.  It's like the Queen Bee has arrived when she walks in.  Most of the little girls come up and say "Hi" and use her name.  She just throws her coat off dramatically and walks to her cubby.  I say hi and ask her what the kids' names are.  "I don't know" is her response.  Christ.

Now she's involved in a love triangle at school.  Every year she has a special boy that just lights up when she walks in.  This year his name is Brian.  The only problem is, Brian also lights up for another little girl in their class.  So my daughter decided to up the game by announcing to everyone, teachers included, that she and Brian are getting married.  The other little girl has also decided Brian will be marrying her.  Thankfully they are too young to understand relationships and are all still friends...for now.  Christ.

Everywhere my daughter goes, she reigns supreme.  Our gym has a child care room; and whenever we pick her up, she is always the one who decided which game is going to be played.  I guess I should be thankful.  At least my strong willed, hard-headed daughter won't put up with anything she doesn't want to-but CHRIST.

I am so in for it when she's a teenager.

                                                         Yes, I AM the queen of the carousel

A New Princess with a Price

Disney is set to unveil a new princess in the next month or so, Princess Sofia.  The trouble is, she's Hispanic.  Or not.

Apparently, to some, Sofia is not 'Latin enough.'  The new princess is set to cater to the preschool crowd of 2-7 years old.  She has reddish hair and fair skin.  There are reports that some Latina bloggers are not happy with this portrayal because she doesn't look like your average Hispanic girl.

And how would that be?

Last time I checked, we are Americans.  We're a melting pot.  There are variations to every race.  Natalie Morales of the "Today" show got it right when she said she was questioned about her authenticity of being Puerto Rican.  "...There are so many different kinds of Hispanic-blond, green, blue eyes-we come with all colors and types."
Same goes for every race.

Disney has said they aren't trying to play up Sofia's heritage.  It's just a matter-of-fact thing.  I'm glad Disney finally has decided to introduce a Latina role model.  I hope she speaks Spanish.

Instead of being annoyed by this, here is the question I put to the bloggers (and people):  Wouldn't this be the perfect time to teach your kids that skin color DOESN'T matter?

The Most Absurd Party Theme I've Ever Heard

                                                            Why put yourself through this?



This one ranks right up there with throwing your kid a "potty party."  If you haven't seen that, you can check out that whacked out mom's idea here.

I was reading Woman's Day magazine yesterday, and they suggested you throw a "Black Friday" party for your shopping friends and relatives.  What a GREAT idea!  Ummm, no.

First of all, when the hell are you supposed to shop?  If people are going to be dropping in all day before or after shopping, are you just going to leave your house to go shopping?  What if you cook for your family on Thanksgiving?  Do you really WANT people in and out of your house the next day?  I don't know about you; but when I've cooked for family, those dishes are still in the sink the next day!

The article gives five "Game plan" ideas.  Number 2 states, "Mall parking can be a nightmare on Black Friday.  Arrange a pre- or post-party carpool as part of your event."  Yeah, because I have that kind of time on my hands.

Number 4 says, "Create Black Friday care packs for your guests to take with them on their afternoon forays into stores.  Include a bottle of water, a healthy snack..., gum and hand sanitizer."  Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?

Number 5 is, "Set up a pampering station for weary shoppers who've been up since the wee hours.  Stock it with lotions, stress balls..."  What about 'weary you who's been up since the wee hours' planning this stupidity of a party???

Come on.  It's absurd shit like this that's printed that makes moms (and women in general) feel like they can never live up to a certain standard.

And if you're planning one of these parties, let me know.  I'll be sure to make fun of you.

My Love/Hate Relationship with College Football

ESPN blows.  I absolutely hate them for their biased views and reporting of so called "news."  I am sick to fucking death of constantly only hearing about the overrated teams that ESPN wants to talk about.  Teams like Ohio State, Notre Dame, and ALL the Florida teams.  If you're a fan of any of these teams, you might want to stop reading now before I get ugly.  Seriously.

Why is everyone still hyping Ohio State?  They have Braxton Miller for their offense.  That's it.  Enough said.

Notre Dame is overrated, and they'll prove it eventually.  Why does Notre Dame consistently get special treatment?  They were in the Big East for basketball ONLY.  Of course they were.  Say what you will about Big East football, but they do have the best basketball conference in the country.  Now they get a special fucking deal to move to the ACC.  Plus NBC only televises THEIR games.  They are not the powerhouse they used to be, so why are they still allowed to do whatever they want?

WVU Mountaineers.  Yes, that's my team.  Yes, ESPN seems to be sucking our dick finally this year.  Every time I go to the college football page there's a picture of Geno Smith and some article about how great our offense is but how bad our defense is.  "Can the Mountaineers win it all?"  Or some version of this title comes out every week; then read the article that slams us for one reason or another.

Build me up, buttercup.

That's exactly what ESPN is doing.  Building us up big so that if we fail, they can tear our asses to pieces.  What they don't understand is the mentality of this WVU team.  They are so focused on winning a national championship, I really don't think anyone will stop them.  And they should know by now that all this talk will only motivate this team to shut up the critics.  Anyone remember the Orange Bowl?

WVU has been inconsistent-A. Lot.  My heart still breaks when I recall the Backyard Brawl of '07.  That one game that was between us and the national championship game.  Thank you, Dick Rod (Rich Rodriguez, for those of you who don't know).  He announced shortly after that loss that he was going to Michigan.  Which makes me think he intentionally fucked up that game.  There was no way he could ever leave WVU if he won a national championship, could he?
Michigan got theirs.  Although they are still glorified by ESPN.  Pittsburgh got theirs, too.  They SUCK.  They can't keep a coach for more than a year.  Good luck in the ACC.  I'm pretty sure we made the right decision in going to the Big 12. We still have 2 undefeated teams and a record of 35-12, while the ACC has no undefeated teams with a record of 41-29.  Their best teams are Florida State, Clemson, and...wait for it...Duke.  Yep, the Blue Devils have the same 5-1 record as FSU and Clemson!  What an awesome conference.

I really hope Geno wins the Heisman.  He deserves it.  I honestly don't think he really cares about that, though.  He wants to win it all, and I'm right behind him cheering them on.  Even if every "barn burner" game takes 10 years off my life.

Top 10 Things I Hate to See on Facebook

I have two Facebook pages, my personal one and my Crazy Mom page for the blog.  Most of these things come from my personal page.  Drumroll, please...

1.  Political Bullshit.
If all your posts are about Romney slamming Obama, or vice versa, I'm going to hide your feed.  Do you not have anything else to talk about?

2.  Flame Wars.
This one kind of goes with #1.  Don't start them.  Would you REALLY say whatever you just said to that person's face?  Yeah, no.  So shut the fuck up and go hide behind your computer some more.

3.  Every Status Update is About Your Old/New Illness.
All. The. Fucking. Time.  It's either "I have a HUGE headache" (like the one you had every day last week), or "My stomach hurts AGAIN!"  Do you like the pity parties you get?  50 comments of 'get well soon, hon!'  It must be an ego boost I don't understand.  Or maybe it's to see how popular you are.  Whatever, I don't care!

4.  People I Haven't Talked to in 20 Years Talk to Me Like I'm Their Best Friend.
Ok, this one I can see IF you were good friends at one point.  But if we were mutual acquaintances in high school, and now you message me every fucking day about your problems, I'm not interested.  So stop.

5.  People Who Write Letters to Companies/People in Their Statuses to People That Will Never Read Them.
I'm talking about the "Dear Land's End, I'm not happy with the shirt you sent me because..." or "To the person who stole my phone..."  Why?  The person who stole your phone isn't going to read your status.  Again with the sympathy.  If you're unhappy with a company, write THEM, not us.  I've learned Facebook is a great way to air your dissatisfaction with a company and get it resolved quickly!  So many people see your gripe, and companies don't want the bad publicity.

6.  Too Much Information.
I'm somewhat guilty of this, but only on my public page (because I can HIDE!  Ha!)  I don't want to hear about heavy your period is this month.  Nor do I want to hear about how your husband (who I'm also friends with) ravaged you last night.  Why the hell do you want all of your acquaintances to know these things??

7.  People Who Let Their Kids Get a Facebook Account.
Under the age of 13, which is Facebook's law.  Inevitably, these 10 year olds 'friend request' me.  I want to post whatever the fuck I want, and not have to worry about my friend's niece reading inappropriate content.  YOUR KID SHOULDN'T NEED INTERNET SOCIALIZATION AT THE AGE OF 10.  Or younger.  The younger the kid, the bigger tool the parent is.  Tell your kid to go outside and play.

8.  Companies That Give Away Free Stuff Then Act Surprised When Their Servers Crash.
I'm all about the coupons and freebies in social media.  I luckily happened to be there when companies first started to realize the impact of social media.  I even got a free pair of Lee Jeans because I was one of the first people who responded when they had a major snafu!  Now, these companies should be prepared.  If you are advertising that you are giving something away in the future, GET PREPARED!  You have to know that the minute it goes live, like 100,000 people are trying to access it.  Test it, make it bigger, do whatever you have to do.

9.  People Who Bitch About Not Getting a Freebie/Coupon.
These people deserve a punch in their uteruses.  It's FREE.  The company doesn't OWE you because you were the fucking jizbag who wasted 2 hours trying to get the freebie.  They didn't even have to offer it.

10.  People Who Don't Get My Well-Thought-Out, Hilarious Status Updates.
Yeah, you know who you are.  I post these awesome, hilarious things.  And no one even likes it!  They're probably thinking the same thing about my statuses as I am about theirs.  I'm funnier, though.

I Am So Not a Baker

I have been trying to break into the cupcake world.  I absolutely HATE to bake-anything.  Yet I keep watching "Cupcake Wars" and thinking, "I can do that!"

No, I really can't.

My daughter and I just made cupcakes for like the fifth time and they suck yet again.  Last time I burned them.  This time I made sure not to keep them in too long and even moved the rack up so they wouldn't burn.  They didn't burn.  But this is what came out of the oven (this was after frosting):

Sunken, disgusting looking things.  

I was told by a friend who bakes a lot, Cul-de-Sac Mom, that I should add sour cream.  I think I was supposed to cut down on the oil.  The cupcakes taste like fucking canola oil bites.  I'm guessing that's why they sunk in the middle.  How fucking hard is it to make a decent batch of cupcakes???

Don't even get me started on the frosting.  I have one of those Pampered Chef cake decorator thingies that's been sitting in my cupboard, unused, for at least 5 years.  I was so happy when I found it so I wouldn't have to buy the disposable bags.  You'd think that would make it easy to frost, right?

You'd be wrong.

I ALWAYS end up with too much frosting on the first ten or so and then run out.  So then I have to take a knife and swipe some frosting from the ones that are sky-high and smear it on the leftovers.  The current batch has 3 unfrosted cupcakes.

Maybe one day my cupcakes will look like this, but I doubt it.  These were made by Cul-de-Sac Mom for my daughter's fourth birthday:

                                                     Photo Courtesy of Cul-de-Sac Mom

Old Navy Jeans are NOT for Mommies

I seem to be on a retail rant lately.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I used to work in retail and now I'm noticing all the things that irk me when I take my kid shopping.  Who knows?  Go ahead and grab a glass of wine and read on...

When Old Navy was remodeling their stores last year, I learned that their core target customer was a mom in her 30's.  That would explain why they redid all of their checkouts so millions of useless fucking trinkets are now at eye level with your kids.  It was a brilliant move, actually.  Tons of add on sales from the moms with their screaming kids who just want to shut them up, my kid included.  Thanks a lot, Old Navy.  My daughter really does NOT need another $12 Hello Kitty mini plush.

What really annoys me about Old Navy is their pants.  All of them.  Jeans included.  Why on earth are ALL of their pants so low cut?  Moms in their 30's are not teenagers, so we don't want to have our plumber's crack/muffin tops hanging out for all to see.  I don't care if you are big or small (I have been both), if you have an ounce of belly fat -and most moms do- Old Navy pants are unwearable.  No matter what size you buy.  Take, for example, the chick in the picture below.  She is not at all big (in my opinion) but I bet she's wearing Old Navy jeans!  The low waist actually creates the muffin top.

I love Old Navy.  I'm a thrifty girl and their clothes are cheap, plus they usually have coupons.  But the only things I ever buy there for me are shirts or workout pants with elastic waists that I can pull up.  Here's the kicker:  I just made an online purchase from ON that included a pair of "higher waist" jeans. We'll see.  I'm willing to give you another chance; and I'm really hoping you come through for us, your core customers, Old Navy!