How to Raise a Princess

Follow these instructions and you too can have a princess of your own!

In light of my never-ending battle with my own princess; I thought I'd jot down a few tips for all you mothers of little girls out there who want a princess.  Completely satirical, of course.

First things first.  While you are pregnant with your future princess, you must paint her room pink.  What good is having a princess without her own castle?

Next, make sure she spends enough time with Daddy so she can be a "daddy's girl."  Most daddies are suckers and will give their princesses anything to get them to stop crying.  Daddy will be everything Mommy won't be-fun.  If there's no Daddy in your princess's life, find a male friend you trust who is excellent with kids.

This one is important.  Play Disney Princess movies (ie. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast) over and over again in toddlerhood so the princess theme is burned into your princess's brain at a young age.  My princess even has the kiss with the head tilt down pat!  That one should come in handy for making out with boys later on...

Every princess needs clothes that make her look like a princess.  Start stocking up on dress up clothes now.  Those cheaply made princess dresses are fucking expensive.  $20-$30 for one dress and I can put a hole in it with my pinky.  Don't forget all the accoutrements:  purses, jewelry, shoes, and CROWNS.  Don't forget the crown!

Make sure you enroll your little princess in dance class.  This is key to your little one feeling like a princess.  All the ballet moves she'll learn will having her twirling all over the house to "Someday My Prince Will Come."

Next up; spoil, spoil, SPOIL!  If your princess doesn't get what she wants all the time, she can never act like a princess.  You want your princess to scream bloody murder in the store when you tell her she can't have that toy.  Just buy her another, cheaper one to calm her down.  Same goes for bedtime and whining.  Coddle her and put her in bed with you so she'll never sleep in her own bed.  Grandparents are also great to have around for spoiling, so utilize them to your advantage.

Finally, make sure your princess knows she a princess.  Tell her often.  If she knows she's a princess, she will have high expectations.  Carry her everywhere; and never let her feet touch the ground.  This will ensure her head is always in the clouds.