The Queen Bee Has Arrived

Seriously, she's only FOUR?  Is the question I ask frequently with my daughter.  Somehow, my daughter has turned out to be a diva.  If she's NOT an actor when she grows up, I will very surprised.

My daughter is not shy.  At all.  When she was about two, she was afraid of older boys.  She seems to have grown out of that.  I took her out to McDonald's for a Mommy/Daughter Date Night a couple of months ago, and she was playing with a boy who had to be at least seven.  She had no problem telling him that they were going to play hide and seek.  And he had no problem playing-her way.  That boy was whipped!  He did everything she requested.  Christ.

I love taking her to school.  It's like the Queen Bee has arrived when she walks in.  Most of the little girls come up and say "Hi" and use her name.  She just throws her coat off dramatically and walks to her cubby.  I say hi and ask her what the kids' names are.  "I don't know" is her response.  Christ.

Now she's involved in a love triangle at school.  Every year she has a special boy that just lights up when she walks in.  This year his name is Brian.  The only problem is, Brian also lights up for another little girl in their class.  So my daughter decided to up the game by announcing to everyone, teachers included, that she and Brian are getting married.  The other little girl has also decided Brian will be marrying her.  Thankfully they are too young to understand relationships and are all still friends...for now.  Christ.

Everywhere my daughter goes, she reigns supreme.  Our gym has a child care room; and whenever we pick her up, she is always the one who decided which game is going to be played.  I guess I should be thankful.  At least my strong willed, hard-headed daughter won't put up with anything she doesn't want to-but CHRIST.

I am so in for it when she's a teenager.

                                                         Yes, I AM the queen of the carousel

A New Princess with a Price

Disney is set to unveil a new princess in the next month or so, Princess Sofia.  The trouble is, she's Hispanic.  Or not.

Apparently, to some, Sofia is not 'Latin enough.'  The new princess is set to cater to the preschool crowd of 2-7 years old.  She has reddish hair and fair skin.  There are reports that some Latina bloggers are not happy with this portrayal because she doesn't look like your average Hispanic girl.

And how would that be?

Last time I checked, we are Americans.  We're a melting pot.  There are variations to every race.  Natalie Morales of the "Today" show got it right when she said she was questioned about her authenticity of being Puerto Rican.  "...There are so many different kinds of Hispanic-blond, green, blue eyes-we come with all colors and types."
Same goes for every race.

Disney has said they aren't trying to play up Sofia's heritage.  It's just a matter-of-fact thing.  I'm glad Disney finally has decided to introduce a Latina role model.  I hope she speaks Spanish.

Instead of being annoyed by this, here is the question I put to the bloggers (and people):  Wouldn't this be the perfect time to teach your kids that skin color DOESN'T matter?

The Most Absurd Party Theme I've Ever Heard

                                                            Why put yourself through this?



This one ranks right up there with throwing your kid a "potty party."  If you haven't seen that, you can check out that whacked out mom's idea here.

I was reading Woman's Day magazine yesterday, and they suggested you throw a "Black Friday" party for your shopping friends and relatives.  What a GREAT idea!  Ummm, no.

First of all, when the hell are you supposed to shop?  If people are going to be dropping in all day before or after shopping, are you just going to leave your house to go shopping?  What if you cook for your family on Thanksgiving?  Do you really WANT people in and out of your house the next day?  I don't know about you; but when I've cooked for family, those dishes are still in the sink the next day!

The article gives five "Game plan" ideas.  Number 2 states, "Mall parking can be a nightmare on Black Friday.  Arrange a pre- or post-party carpool as part of your event."  Yeah, because I have that kind of time on my hands.

Number 4 says, "Create Black Friday care packs for your guests to take with them on their afternoon forays into stores.  Include a bottle of water, a healthy snack..., gum and hand sanitizer."  Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?

Number 5 is, "Set up a pampering station for weary shoppers who've been up since the wee hours.  Stock it with lotions, stress balls..."  What about 'weary you who's been up since the wee hours' planning this stupidity of a party???

Come on.  It's absurd shit like this that's printed that makes moms (and women in general) feel like they can never live up to a certain standard.

And if you're planning one of these parties, let me know.  I'll be sure to make fun of you.

My Love/Hate Relationship with College Football

ESPN blows.  I absolutely hate them for their biased views and reporting of so called "news."  I am sick to fucking death of constantly only hearing about the overrated teams that ESPN wants to talk about.  Teams like Ohio State, Notre Dame, and ALL the Florida teams.  If you're a fan of any of these teams, you might want to stop reading now before I get ugly.  Seriously.

Why is everyone still hyping Ohio State?  They have Braxton Miller for their offense.  That's it.  Enough said.

Notre Dame is overrated, and they'll prove it eventually.  Why does Notre Dame consistently get special treatment?  They were in the Big East for basketball ONLY.  Of course they were.  Say what you will about Big East football, but they do have the best basketball conference in the country.  Now they get a special fucking deal to move to the ACC.  Plus NBC only televises THEIR games.  They are not the powerhouse they used to be, so why are they still allowed to do whatever they want?

WVU Mountaineers.  Yes, that's my team.  Yes, ESPN seems to be sucking our dick finally this year.  Every time I go to the college football page there's a picture of Geno Smith and some article about how great our offense is but how bad our defense is.  "Can the Mountaineers win it all?"  Or some version of this title comes out every week; then read the article that slams us for one reason or another.

Build me up, buttercup.

That's exactly what ESPN is doing.  Building us up big so that if we fail, they can tear our asses to pieces.  What they don't understand is the mentality of this WVU team.  They are so focused on winning a national championship, I really don't think anyone will stop them.  And they should know by now that all this talk will only motivate this team to shut up the critics.  Anyone remember the Orange Bowl?

WVU has been inconsistent-A. Lot.  My heart still breaks when I recall the Backyard Brawl of '07.  That one game that was between us and the national championship game.  Thank you, Dick Rod (Rich Rodriguez, for those of you who don't know).  He announced shortly after that loss that he was going to Michigan.  Which makes me think he intentionally fucked up that game.  There was no way he could ever leave WVU if he won a national championship, could he?
Michigan got theirs.  Although they are still glorified by ESPN.  Pittsburgh got theirs, too.  They SUCK.  They can't keep a coach for more than a year.  Good luck in the ACC.  I'm pretty sure we made the right decision in going to the Big 12. We still have 2 undefeated teams and a record of 35-12, while the ACC has no undefeated teams with a record of 41-29.  Their best teams are Florida State, Clemson, and...wait for it...Duke.  Yep, the Blue Devils have the same 5-1 record as FSU and Clemson!  What an awesome conference.

I really hope Geno wins the Heisman.  He deserves it.  I honestly don't think he really cares about that, though.  He wants to win it all, and I'm right behind him cheering them on.  Even if every "barn burner" game takes 10 years off my life.

Top 10 Things I Hate to See on Facebook

I have two Facebook pages, my personal one and my Crazy Mom page for the blog.  Most of these things come from my personal page.  Drumroll, please...

1.  Political Bullshit.
If all your posts are about Romney slamming Obama, or vice versa, I'm going to hide your feed.  Do you not have anything else to talk about?

2.  Flame Wars.
This one kind of goes with #1.  Don't start them.  Would you REALLY say whatever you just said to that person's face?  Yeah, no.  So shut the fuck up and go hide behind your computer some more.

3.  Every Status Update is About Your Old/New Illness.
All. The. Fucking. Time.  It's either "I have a HUGE headache" (like the one you had every day last week), or "My stomach hurts AGAIN!"  Do you like the pity parties you get?  50 comments of 'get well soon, hon!'  It must be an ego boost I don't understand.  Or maybe it's to see how popular you are.  Whatever, I don't care!

4.  People I Haven't Talked to in 20 Years Talk to Me Like I'm Their Best Friend.
Ok, this one I can see IF you were good friends at one point.  But if we were mutual acquaintances in high school, and now you message me every fucking day about your problems, I'm not interested.  So stop.

5.  People Who Write Letters to Companies/People in Their Statuses to People That Will Never Read Them.
I'm talking about the "Dear Land's End, I'm not happy with the shirt you sent me because..." or "To the person who stole my phone..."  Why?  The person who stole your phone isn't going to read your status.  Again with the sympathy.  If you're unhappy with a company, write THEM, not us.  I've learned Facebook is a great way to air your dissatisfaction with a company and get it resolved quickly!  So many people see your gripe, and companies don't want the bad publicity.

6.  Too Much Information.
I'm somewhat guilty of this, but only on my public page (because I can HIDE!  Ha!)  I don't want to hear about heavy your period is this month.  Nor do I want to hear about how your husband (who I'm also friends with) ravaged you last night.  Why the hell do you want all of your acquaintances to know these things??

7.  People Who Let Their Kids Get a Facebook Account.
Under the age of 13, which is Facebook's law.  Inevitably, these 10 year olds 'friend request' me.  I want to post whatever the fuck I want, and not have to worry about my friend's niece reading inappropriate content.  YOUR KID SHOULDN'T NEED INTERNET SOCIALIZATION AT THE AGE OF 10.  Or younger.  The younger the kid, the bigger tool the parent is.  Tell your kid to go outside and play.

8.  Companies That Give Away Free Stuff Then Act Surprised When Their Servers Crash.
I'm all about the coupons and freebies in social media.  I luckily happened to be there when companies first started to realize the impact of social media.  I even got a free pair of Lee Jeans because I was one of the first people who responded when they had a major snafu!  Now, these companies should be prepared.  If you are advertising that you are giving something away in the future, GET PREPARED!  You have to know that the minute it goes live, like 100,000 people are trying to access it.  Test it, make it bigger, do whatever you have to do.

9.  People Who Bitch About Not Getting a Freebie/Coupon.
These people deserve a punch in their uteruses.  It's FREE.  The company doesn't OWE you because you were the fucking jizbag who wasted 2 hours trying to get the freebie.  They didn't even have to offer it.

10.  People Who Don't Get My Well-Thought-Out, Hilarious Status Updates.
Yeah, you know who you are.  I post these awesome, hilarious things.  And no one even likes it!  They're probably thinking the same thing about my statuses as I am about theirs.  I'm funnier, though.

I Am So Not a Baker

I have been trying to break into the cupcake world.  I absolutely HATE to bake-anything.  Yet I keep watching "Cupcake Wars" and thinking, "I can do that!"

No, I really can't.

My daughter and I just made cupcakes for like the fifth time and they suck yet again.  Last time I burned them.  This time I made sure not to keep them in too long and even moved the rack up so they wouldn't burn.  They didn't burn.  But this is what came out of the oven (this was after frosting):

Sunken, disgusting looking things.  

I was told by a friend who bakes a lot, Cul-de-Sac Mom, that I should add sour cream.  I think I was supposed to cut down on the oil.  The cupcakes taste like fucking canola oil bites.  I'm guessing that's why they sunk in the middle.  How fucking hard is it to make a decent batch of cupcakes???

Don't even get me started on the frosting.  I have one of those Pampered Chef cake decorator thingies that's been sitting in my cupboard, unused, for at least 5 years.  I was so happy when I found it so I wouldn't have to buy the disposable bags.  You'd think that would make it easy to frost, right?

You'd be wrong.

I ALWAYS end up with too much frosting on the first ten or so and then run out.  So then I have to take a knife and swipe some frosting from the ones that are sky-high and smear it on the leftovers.  The current batch has 3 unfrosted cupcakes.

Maybe one day my cupcakes will look like this, but I doubt it.  These were made by Cul-de-Sac Mom for my daughter's fourth birthday:

                                                     Photo Courtesy of Cul-de-Sac Mom

Old Navy Jeans are NOT for Mommies

I seem to be on a retail rant lately.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because I used to work in retail and now I'm noticing all the things that irk me when I take my kid shopping.  Who knows?  Go ahead and grab a glass of wine and read on...

When Old Navy was remodeling their stores last year, I learned that their core target customer was a mom in her 30's.  That would explain why they redid all of their checkouts so millions of useless fucking trinkets are now at eye level with your kids.  It was a brilliant move, actually.  Tons of add on sales from the moms with their screaming kids who just want to shut them up, my kid included.  Thanks a lot, Old Navy.  My daughter really does NOT need another $12 Hello Kitty mini plush.

What really annoys me about Old Navy is their pants.  All of them.  Jeans included.  Why on earth are ALL of their pants so low cut?  Moms in their 30's are not teenagers, so we don't want to have our plumber's crack/muffin tops hanging out for all to see.  I don't care if you are big or small (I have been both), if you have an ounce of belly fat -and most moms do- Old Navy pants are unwearable.  No matter what size you buy.  Take, for example, the chick in the picture below.  She is not at all big (in my opinion) but I bet she's wearing Old Navy jeans!  The low waist actually creates the muffin top.

I love Old Navy.  I'm a thrifty girl and their clothes are cheap, plus they usually have coupons.  But the only things I ever buy there for me are shirts or workout pants with elastic waists that I can pull up.  Here's the kicker:  I just made an online purchase from ON that included a pair of "higher waist" jeans. We'll see.  I'm willing to give you another chance; and I'm really hoping you come through for us, your core customers, Old Navy!

My Daughter, The Klutz

Picture time at my daughter's preschool is next week.  She gets her picture taken twice a year there; and I, being the awesome mom I am, dutifully buy the packet and distribute to friends and relatives.  Picture time also guarantees that my lovely, klutzy daughter WILL have a spill of some sort.  One where she either gets a bloody knee or a bloody head.

Yes, she is only four.  She's been going to the same preschool since she was about 18 months old.  Those first pictures she took she had a big scrape on her knee from falling outside.  Ok, she wasn't quite the practiced walker then so I have to let that one slide.  But on it went, through her 2's class and the first part of her 3's class.  She had bruises on her knees for every one of those pictures.  Luckily, I found cute outfits that covered (most of) her bruises.

Last April, I started telling her early, "Be careful walking outside because pictures are coming up soon; and you don't want to hurt yourself."  We still had about four days to go with no bruised knees!  I thought maybe this was the year!

Yeah, no.

The weekend before her pictures were taken, we were at a friend's house.  We were hanging outside on their deck and the girls were playing in the yard.  Their daughter is exactly one week older than her; and the two girls are BFFs.  My daughter was being silly and ran up the stairs onto the deck to show us something.  Then she backed up, lost her footing, and toppled down the deck stairs backwards.  She hit her head pretty hard.  I was terrified she had a concussion.  Thankfully, she was okay.  But her eye hit the last wooden stair and was bleeding.  My poor baby.
The next day she had a big scab over her eye, but no black eye (and thankfully nothing actually got IN her eye!)  This was her school picture-my daughter, The Klutz:

Now she's one week away from her next set of pictures.  So what happens?  Yep.  You guessed it.  Last night she went on a walk with her Daddy and our dogs.  Our neighbor's little girl was out riding in her "new" trike.  It was my daughter's; but she was very proud to help me clean it off and give it to the little girl.  My daughter got super excited to see the baby in her old trike.  And started running.  And fell.  And scraped her knee.  Just in time for pictures.

I love that kid.  My daughter, The Klutz.

Talkie Talkerson

The most wonderful time of the year is here!  No, not Christmas, back to school.  My princess is back at her 3-day-a-week preschool where she will hopefully chill out after a brash summer.

No. Such. Luck.

They have a stoplight behavior system at her school.  If she's good, she will get a green sticker.  If she's bad, it's red.  Yellow is for warnings.  At the end of the week, if she gets all green stickers, she gets a small prize.

She hasn't had a green week yet.

Don't get me wrong, she isn't a bad kid.  She's just so damn smart she thinks the rules don't apply to her.  She's been getting into trouble because of her incessant talking.  And talking.  And talking.  My kid talks non-stop from the time she gets up in the morning until she goes to bed.

I went to a strict Catholic school for my elementary years.  I remember those hard ass nuns glaring at me because I wouldn't shut my piehole, either.  So I wonder where she gets it?  The only difference between then and now is those nuns didn't think twice about slapping my hands with a pointer.  That got my attention!  Can you imagine if that happened in a school today?  The teacher would get fired immediately.  And that's sad.

It's part of the reason why I think kids are so entitled these days.  Teachers and caregivers' hands are tied when it comes to doling out punishment.  They're so afraid of lawsuits by those parents who "don't believe in discipline because I want my kid to like me" that they can't even give timeouts any more.  Guess what?  It's not working.

There is a drop off childcare place I sometimes take my daughter that she loves to go to.  One of the first times she was there, I told the employee, "Feel free to give her a timeout if she misbehaves."  The employee's eyes got really big and she said, "We can't do timeouts here because some of the parents will complain."  WHAT??  I would love to meet those parents.  I guess I know why my daughter loves to go there.  No discipline and she can do whatever the fuck she wants thanks to "some parents."

                                                                             Our Future!
                                                                     

Toys "R" Us Rant

The megaland for kids.  The one store they go to and step in and go "Ahhhh."  Used to be a kids dream.  Not anymore, as I'm finding out lately.

WTF happened to ToysRUs?  It used to be the megaland for toys.  Now I go in there crossing my fingers that I can find ANYTHING.  My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake and Lalaloopsy.  Every single time I go there (which isn't a lot anymore) the shelves are empty.  It seriously looks like they're going out of business.  I'm looking for Doc Mcstuffins toys now.  My daughter loves Doc like the sister she hasn't had.  I look on the website.  And just like the Strawberry Shortcake dolls, it says "not in stock for shipping, but available in stores."  Not my fucking store.  I'm lucky if I find ANY Strawberry Shortcake at my store, much less the "hot" toys!

I know the assistant manager at my local ToysRUs.  I worked with him previously in another retail environment.  He says the company is focusing more on the BabiesRUs side of things.  Great.  So there's absolutely no chance of me getting any kind of hot toy unless I trek to that shitty store EVERY fucking day (with no guarantee they ever get any in stock), or pay twice as much on Ebay.  No thanks.

I understand that there's competition in the toy market.  There's Amazon, Target, and Walmart that sell the same toys slightly cheaper (maybe) and actually have them in stock.  Last year I found Lite Sprites, the HOT holiday toy, at Walmart in September.  I never did see them at my local ToysRUs.  A big sale lost to them!  I don't think ToysRUs ever "got" the internet competition.  Maybe they have ancient CEOs who just don't GET the internet.  What they don't understand is that they're losing their "core" customer in this Babies/Toys stores remodel.

Let me explain.  When I was pregnant/just had my daughter, I was a huge fan of BabiesRUs.  I visited frequently.  I was also less internet savvy than I am now.  I can name at least five friends who have recently had babies that use the internet to shop for their baby stuff.  Customers LOST.
Now that my kid is older, I want to visit the ToysRUs side, and it's non-existant.  As I've mentioned before, they never have anything my daughter wants.  The company is focusing on babies, so they lose my business.  Customers LOST.

It seems they adapted to the changes a little too late and will lose the customers they are trying to keep.  Sad.

Asshat Todd Akin

So I just had to rant about this twatwaffle.  Another old man embarrassing the GOP.  This one I think is worse than Limbaugh calling Sandra Fluke a slut because she wanted birth control; or Santorum living in his delusional world.

If you haven't heard, here are his exact words from a tv show:
“From what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin said. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Uhhh...what?  How exactly does the female body 'shut that whole thing down' so the woman won't get pregnant during 'legitimate rape?'  Enlighten me, please.  How fucking dumb is this moron?  And this guy's running for Senate?  I would be really embarrassed right now if I lived in Missouri and voted for this douche.  This guy needs a punch in the uterus.

I'm getting sick and fucking tired of crochety old men telling women what we need to do with our bodies.  (I sound like a feminist, but I'm really not.)  Why are we STILL debating abortion?  More importantly why are MEN STILL debating abortion?  They have absolutely fucking nothing to do with this.  When you can get pregnant and give birth to a child, Asshat Akin, or any other man, come talk to me.

Hunger Games, Hunger Games, HUNGER GAMES!

Can you guess what this about?

This morning I rushed out to buy "The Hunger Games" on Blu-ray (I can't even spell it).  I was more inclined to buy the DVD because it was cheaper, but hubby said no.  We bought a Blu-ray player and I have been happily playing DVD's on it.  Like I know the difference of the "quality" of the picture.  Like I care.

So off to Walgreens I went, daughter in tow.  We went in and looked around for a display.  I thought there would be one because it was such a huge release.  No.  The employees were having their morning meeting, or as I used to like to call them "punch me in my uterus motivational sessions."  No good ever comes of these meetings.  They are created by corporate types who read books telling them to have the meetings to boost morale.  They are, in fact, a huge waste of time.  If you're a good manager, you have excellent communication skills and don't need the damn meetings...

Anyway, I felt bad interrupting (not really) and got the attention of the manager.  I asked if they had the Hunger Games blue-ray.  His exact response was "Ummm, I don't think so.  When does it come out?  It's not out yet."  One of his employees and I said at the same time, "Today."  Great, so the employee know more than her manager-which is usually the case.  Manager-boy had one of his minions go look in the back to see if they got a shipment.  And you know they did;  Walgreens just "forgot" to tell their managers that the hottest movie of the year was being released on DVD that day.  Riiiiigghht.

Here's the best part:  I just happened to have $10 in register rewards from a purchase from the previous week.  The kid found a small box in the back with about 8 total DVDs and Blue-Rays.  He rang it up and it was on sale for $23.99!  I stealthily handed him my $10 coupon and it worked!  I paid $15 for it after tax.  Score!

As I have mentioned before, I read and loved all three books of the trilogy.  I took myself to the movies when the movie first came out.  We NEVER go to the movies, so it was a treat.  I think Katniss is a great example for girls.  Just not young girls-like 13 and under.  Even 12 makes me queasy.  I remember when the movie first came out, I read articles about 10 and 11 year olds standing in line to see it.  What?  Moms, I know you want to empower your little girls; but again this is an example of entitlement parenting.  The parents want to live vicariously through their kids.  The story is a little too violent in my opinion for kids that young.  And you know I have no problem expressing my opinion.

I was literally jumping up and down when it was time for my darling's "rest time."  I couldn't wait to pop that puppy in the player and watch it again!

So, what about you?  Have you seen it yet?

Why I Never Have to Leave My House

So the other day I was playing with my iPhone and went to my bank's mobile app.  I think I was just checking to make sure it still worked or something.  That's when I discovered you can now take pictures of checks and deposit them to your account right from your phone!  I happened to have a couple of rebate checks waiting for me to get off my lazy butt and actually take to the bank, so I thought, "What the hell?"  I took a picture of the front and back of the check and followed the prompts. Are you kidding me?  This really works!

Technology is grand.

Why go to the movies when you can buy one from the comfort of your own living room?  You don't have to pay outrageous ticket fees.  You can have your own snacks instead of paying $25 for a popcorn and candy bar.  Not to mention you can lay on your couch instead of sitting those seats.  And you can talk WHENEVER you want.

Need food?  There's an app for that.  If you hate to cook like me, but don't want to get your lazy ass out to a restaurant, there's a service that will deliver food from your fave restaurant straight to your door.  Disclaimer: this may not be available in all areas-yet.  I saw a commercial for this bad-ass refrigerator and I want it so bad!  It would make me the ultimate lazy.  I could put all of my daughter's things she needs for breakfast in one door, and I wouldn't have to get up and make her breakfast!  I could order one right now and have it delivered without ever leaving home.

I don't have to leave the house to grocery shop, either.  Two stores in my area offer online shopping.  I just pick out what I want, order it, then go pick it up.  Now if only they delivered...
Or I could just go to amazon.com.  They have just about everything anyone could ever want.  And they deliver.  Need snacks for the kids' lunches?  They have them.  Need milk or chicken?  They have those, too.  Need a grommet wrench?  Actually, I did need one and they had it.  My daughter got one of those cute loft beds with the curtains that make a "tent" for her birthday.  Less than 30 days later, three of the strings that attached the front curtain had come off.  After numerous emails to Walmart, I got frustrated and came up with my own solution.  I'm going to put grommets in the top of the curtain where the strings used to be, and hang it with book rings.  That way I don't have to worry about the strings breaking again.  I know, I know.  I'm crafty.  But I haven't done it yet!  Oh, and to be fair, Walmart did offer me a $15 credit.

I still snicker when I see people going to the bank to "do their banking."  Have they never heard of direct deposit, online bill pay, or online banking for that matter?  Now I don't even have to go to the bank to cash a check someone gives me.

When will the liquor stores come up with some new technology to transport me there through my computer so I don't have to leave my house to buy booze?  Food for thought...

How to Raise a Princess

Follow these instructions and you too can have a princess of your own!

In light of my never-ending battle with my own princess; I thought I'd jot down a few tips for all you mothers of little girls out there who want a princess.  Completely satirical, of course.

First things first.  While you are pregnant with your future princess, you must paint her room pink.  What good is having a princess without her own castle?

Next, make sure she spends enough time with Daddy so she can be a "daddy's girl."  Most daddies are suckers and will give their princesses anything to get them to stop crying.  Daddy will be everything Mommy won't be-fun.  If there's no Daddy in your princess's life, find a male friend you trust who is excellent with kids.

This one is important.  Play Disney Princess movies (ie. Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast) over and over again in toddlerhood so the princess theme is burned into your princess's brain at a young age.  My princess even has the kiss with the head tilt down pat!  That one should come in handy for making out with boys later on...

Every princess needs clothes that make her look like a princess.  Start stocking up on dress up clothes now.  Those cheaply made princess dresses are fucking expensive.  $20-$30 for one dress and I can put a hole in it with my pinky.  Don't forget all the accoutrements:  purses, jewelry, shoes, and CROWNS.  Don't forget the crown!

Make sure you enroll your little princess in dance class.  This is key to your little one feeling like a princess.  All the ballet moves she'll learn will having her twirling all over the house to "Someday My Prince Will Come."

Next up; spoil, spoil, SPOIL!  If your princess doesn't get what she wants all the time, she can never act like a princess.  You want your princess to scream bloody murder in the store when you tell her she can't have that toy.  Just buy her another, cheaper one to calm her down.  Same goes for bedtime and whining.  Coddle her and put her in bed with you so she'll never sleep in her own bed.  Grandparents are also great to have around for spoiling, so utilize them to your advantage.

Finally, make sure your princess knows she a princess.  Tell her often.  If she knows she's a princess, she will have high expectations.  Carry her everywhere; and never let her feet touch the ground.  This will ensure her head is always in the clouds.

Justice Prevails

Well, it looks like Savannah Dietrich got her contempt plea thrown out.  As well she should.  Savannah was the girl who was facing charges after tweeting the names of her attackers.  These stupid fucking boys sexually assaulted her while she was passed out, took pictures, and then forwarded them to their friends.  You can read more about the story here.

She was frustrated, as would most victims be, with the leniency of their plea bargain.  I don't care if they're "juveniles" or not, they should have gotten a hell of a lot more than a slap on the wrists.  Maybe some jail time where they get sexually assaulted and see how it feels.  What needs to happen is the courts need to lower the age of juvenile status.  These idiots knew what the fuck they were doing.  If you're responsible enough to drive a car at 16, then you should be responsible enough to be accountable for your actions.

This protect-the-names-of-juveniles law kills me.  Why the hell should those boys' identities be protected when Savannah's wasn't?  Oh, I bet they had fun and thought they were so fucking cool.    Imagine being her in school the next day.  I can't, but I feel the anger for her all the same.  Thankfully, when I was in high school, shit like this didn't happen.  Or maybe it did; but we didn't have cell phones, Facebook, or Twitter!  It seems to me that women's rights are going to hell in a hand basket quickly.  I'm not sure why men/politicians seem to think they have the right to control ANYTHING regarding our reproductive systems.  

Unfortunately, this just goes to show you can't trust anybody these days.  Not even children.  Savannah did show a lack of bad judgement by getting wasted then passing out at a party.  Kids do that.  I did it, my friends did it.  You just never expect at that young age someone will take advantage of you.  It's kind of scary, actually.  Why is it that this millennial generation is under the pretense that everything must be given to them?  My impression is they are rude and self-gratifying with no concerns for anyone but themselves.  If you haven't seen this video, you need to check it out.  This is unbelievably disrespectful; and pretty much sums up my opinion.  If one of those kids on that bus was my kid, I would've beaten the shit out of them.

As for the assholes who raped Savannah, I think we'll be seeing more of them in the future.  I'm pretty confident they haven't learned their lesson.  Maybe when they're in jail the tables will be turned on them.

Did the Punishment Fit the Crime?

As I'm sure you've heard, Penn State got some serious sanctions from the NCAA for covering up for the disgusting thing that is Sandusky.  In my opinion, it wasn't enough.

Giving up wins from 1998 doesn't hurt anyone but Joe Paterno, and he's dead.  In all fairness to him, I honestly think he was too old to really know what the hell was going on.  When he was informed of the 'shower incident' by McQueary in 2001, he was already 74.  Now think about the mind set of that generation.  I know my grandparents wouldn't have understood any of that; much less believe that a coach would do something like that.  I'm not defending Paterno.  I do believe he SHOULD HAVE gone to authorities, and not the athletic director, when McQueary told him what he saw.

How about no bowl games for the next four years?  BFD.  Other top football schools across the country have had similar penalties for not playing by the rules.  And when I say not playing by the rules I mean payoffs, agent misdeeds, coaches "unaware" of players getting benefits, etc. -not raping young boys.  There's a huge fucking difference.  What they should have done was take Penn State out of the FBS division and put them in the FCS for awhile.  Like a whole lot longer than four years.  Let's start with ten, since that's how many boys that filthy fuck was found guilty of abusing.  Add on another year for every new victim that comes forward.

Finally, there's always the money.  $60 million is chump change, especially for a school like Penn State.  There is no amount of money that equates the value of an abuse victim.  While it's unfair that the players there now have to be punished for something they didn't do; the whole organization should be crippled, especially the board of directors, presidents, VP's.  You can bet your ass they knew what was going on.  You can bet your ass they covered it up.

Why I'm Not Reading Fifty Shades or Hunger Games

Been there, done that.  I read a lot.  My new current obsession is apocalypse fiction.  I don't know why; but I guess it's always good to get ideas "just in case."  The more stories I read the more I believe it 'could' happen.  If shit went to hell in a handbasket, there are certain human qualities that would prevail.  Fortunately or unfortunately.

The book I'm reading now is "Life After War:  The Survivors, Book 1."  The premise is the government security involving the codes to our nukes wasn't that safe.  Someone used our nukes to bomb other nations, invoking a nuclear war where no one wins.  It's fucking crazy, where 1/8 of the world population survives-and still has to battle the radiation horrors, human horrors, and nature horrors.

I think if something like that happened, I would want to die right away.  I'm not sure I could be strong enough to be a survivor in an apocalyptic new world.  I can't stand the injustices of the world now.  How in the world would I deal with what used to be normal people turned into scavengers who would eat their young to survive?  Kill just so there is more for them?  Thanks, no.

This could happen.  Just like a millionaire freak BDSM could fall for and live happily ever after with a dork virgin.  C'mon people!!  That's why it's FICTION.  This stuff isn't supposed to happen in real life.  But it COULD....

Don't get me wrong, I actually paid for and enjoyed all three of Mr. Grey and Anastasia's sex stories.  The first one was the best in my opinion.  All kinds of kinky new sex.  Then the second book happened  and was not nearly as enthralling.  Finally, by the third book (and being an avid reader) I knew what was coming and I rushed to finish.  *That's what she said*

I haven't mentioned "Hunger Games" because I really loved every minute of all three books.  Seriously.  The Capitol peeps I could do a whole blog post on, but I won't.  I'm trying hard not to give anything away here.  I'll wait until August when it comes out on video.

So tell me, what do you like to read?

The Inconsistencies of a Preschooler

Today I am annoyed with my daughter.  Very annoyed.  Thankfully it's Daddy/Daughter Date Night tonight because I really don't think I have the strength to deal with her at bedtime.  By one o'clock this afternoon I was already over it.

This morning getting ready for the sports camp she goes to we had a battle over what to wear.  She is a dress girl; she loves LONG dresses.  Unfortunately, you can't skate or play soccer in them.  She at least accepts the fact that she can't wear a dress to camp, but wants to replace it instead with a skirt.  This morning she picked out a red 'Olivia' t-shirt and a dark purple skirt.  No.  Then she didn't want to wear the Olivia shirt and tried to pick out another shirt to wear with the skirt.  No.  Then there's the jumping up and down and whining that accompanies the realization that she's not going to get her way.  NO!  She finally did pick out a pair of shorts and a tank top, after about 15 minutes.  This goes on every morning, by the way.  If you're a mom, I'm positive you can relate.

Off to brush teeth, comb hair, clean ears.  She had her ears pierced about ten years ago and they STILL want you to clean them twice a day!  I'm just kidding.  They were pierced in May, but our doc told us to keep the studs in for 12 weeks.  When I got my ears pierced I took them out in 2 weeks; and walked ten miles to school-each way!  Anyway, I digress...
I put her hair in a ponytail just so I can clean her ears without all the hair in the way.  God forbid she actually wears it to camp.  She won't let me put any barrettes in her hair, nor will she let me put her hair up in ponytail.  EVER.  She starts to take out the ponytail and I tell her to leave it because I'm not done with her ears yet.  Does she listen?  She continues to try and get the band out of her hair.  "Leave it ALONE!!!"  Now her hair is mostly out and I have to put it back up.  And now she's upset that "I yelled at her."  Mommy's upset that you don't listen to her.  EVER.

We had breakfast and I asked her if she wanted some orange juice.  Just like most other kids, she hates the pulp, so we only buy the pulp-free kind.  I gave it to her in her fave red cup.  She took one sip of it and made a face.  "Mommy, does this have pulp in it?"  No, honey, we don't buy pulpy orange juice.  "But I taste things floating around, this has pulp."  No, honey, this is the same orange juice you had yesterday.  Same bottle, see?  "I don't like it, it has pulp."  Fine, give me the cup and you can have water (I said with gritted teeth).  I put the cup with the "pulpy oj" back in the fridge; knowing that I can pour it into a sippy cup later and it will be acceptable to drink.

All of these fun times happened within an hour this morning.

Then there was the whining that occurred at the sports place.  She decided she didn't want to skate.  They do four different activities:  in-line skating, t-ball, basketball, and soccer.  Skating is her least favorite, and they do that first, of course.  So I gave her some words of encouragement, told her the coaches would help her, blah, blah, blah.  Still the whining went on.  Finally my patience was gone.  "So honey, if you don't want to skate, you can sit here on the bench and watch everyone else."  I gave her a kiss goodbye and walked out of the damn place.  I was ready for a drink.  Too bad it was only 9:30 in the morning.

Shopping Cart Etiquette

In my ripe old age, I've discovered that I hate crowds.  A lot.  Crowded malls, parks, movie theaters, and especially grocery stores.  Then you have to throw in those carts and it makes the whole experience one big clusterfuck.

Every time I go to the grocery store, I get pissed.  I have an encounter with at least one douchebag that has to stop right in the middle of the fucking aisle.  Right in the middle of the aisle.  Which means you can't get a cart through on either side of douchebag's cart.  Look, I understand you might be looking for something, but can you move your cart to one side or the other so OTHER people can get through?  I know, I know, that would imply that you actually gave a shit about anyone else but your twatty self.  How fucking hard is it?

Then there's super mom who runs into her BFF.  Now we have two carts.  One is blocking the aisle and the other is blocking the main thoroughfare.  They are so wrapped up in themselves, even if say "excuse me," it's not likely they will hear you.  This is when I hit their cart with mine.  That usually brings them back to reality.  With a look from one (or both) of them like it's my fault.

Next we have yielding to others.  Maneuvering the aisles of a store is a lot like driving.  Common sense is required for both of these activities.  I can't tell you how many times I've almost gotten knocked into by someone coming out of an aisle onto the main thoroughfare.  The people on main st. have the right of way.  If you are coming out onto main st., you need to look BEFORE you push your cart out into it.  Sounds pretty simple, right?

I don't know where common sense in most people has gone in this day and age.  Maybe it's the whole 'it's all about me' attitude.  Common sense and courtesy towards others seem to be a thing of the past.  Manners are nonexistent now, too, especially in kids.  But that's a whole different rant for another day.

                                                           Imagine this, only with adults

Tosh.O My God

I don't know if you've heard about the comedian and host of Tosh.0, Daniel Tosh, having to apologize to a heckler at one of his comedy shows.  You can read some of the account here.  It goes something like this:  Tosh was making rape jokes at one of his shows, got called out by some dumb bitch who had no idea who he was, then proceeded to makes jokes about her.

I'm the type of person who loves raunchy comedy.  I will laugh at ANYTHING (yes, even degrading jokes about women) if it's delivered in the right way.  I love Tosh.0, and I would jump at the chance to see him live.  This account of what happened showed up on a blog of the said bitch's friend, so no telling how much one-sidedness or truth there is to it.  But Tosh did apologize on his Twitter page, so I guess it has some truth to it.  WHY he apologized is what I don't understand.

The woman showed up at the club and had never heard of Daniel Tosh (have you been living under a rock?).  Tosh proceeded to make jokes about how rape jokes are always funny; and this woman got so infuriated she called out, "Rape jokes are never funny."  Now if you've EVER been to comedy club, you know if you place attention on yourself, the comedian will come after you quick!  In my opinion, that's the frigging fun part of going to a comedy show.  And that's what Tosh started to do-make jokes about her getting raped now (I would've laughed my ass off if I had been there).  Apparently, little miss stick-up-her-ass was scared she was going to get raped, so THEN she finally decides to leave.

A few things I want to say.  First, we, as Americans, have the freedom to get up and walk away from anything we don't like at any time.  If she was offended, she should've walked out well before she opened her mouth.  Second, this woman has no sense of humor whatsoever and/or is full of political correctness bullshit.  Third, she MUST live under a rock.  My guess is that this woman had no idea what she was in for when she yelled out; because that's WHAT COMEDIANS DO at their shows.  It's called engaging the audience.  Also, did she really think she was going to get gang raped at a comedy show??  Come on.  Don't flatter yourself, honey.

Daniel Tosh, just know that there ARE people with a sense of humor who love you out there.  I believe you have nothing to apologize for.  You were just doing your job.  And please contact me if you want to give me tickets to one of your shows.  Smooches.